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More hours had passed and I was still having contractions, but not dilating very fast. By now, my mom, sister, and husband were all in my room with me, just waiting. Finally, the contractions started to get worse, so I asked for the epidural. It helped with my contractions, but could not take away the pain in my heart. I laid there crying in my hospital bed as the nurses came and swept him away. After 19 weeks of not feeling well, all the pains were gone, my body instantly felt better. How could I be happy that I finally felt better, when I Free casual sex in lancaster pa 17603 delivered my dead baby?

I immediately started feeling guilty and betrayed by my body. Later in the night, I had asked the nurses if I could see Jaxen and hold him. They were very accommodating and did everything I asked without hesitation. They brought him in, in his little hat and blanket. He was so perfect; eyes closed mouth open, perfect hands with 10 fingers, and perfect feet with 10 toes. I cried the entire time I was holding him. I told him how sorry I was that I could not save him and that we loved him and would never forget him. The nurse came back a few minutes later and that was it, he was gone, that was last time I would ever see him again. He would never know how much we loved him or how special he would be to us.

Before the night was over, I got moved to a recovery room. The room was small, dark, and cold. I was still thinking back how that day felt like it lasted forever, but was over in 5 minutes. I slept about 5 hours over that night into the next morning. I remember lying in my bed crying and thinking to myself again, what just happened? Why was I cheated out of getting my baby? Why did God let this happen? I am so angry with him! When will I wake up from this nightmare? I was discharged that morning and we went home. The hospital had given me a keepsake box, which was a very nice gesture. At least I had something to remember him by.

I also knew they had a CD of pictures that I could get of Jaxen. We left the hospital, left my baby, left a piece of my heart and soul. Once we got home, I never wanted to leave again. I wanted to hide in our bedroom forever. My parents brought our daughter home later that afternoon. How do you answer a question like that? The next few days that passed, I felt like a zombie, just going through the motions. My husband took some time off work and we spent the week together, but I knew that the holidays were approaching and eventually I would have to go back to work and face the world. How could I go back to place where no one understands my grief and what I went through?

I felt very anxious going back to work. I got a lot of hugs that day, which was better than people saying things I did not want to hear. I built some new friendships with people that knew exactly what I was going through. I would not have made it this far without my friends and family. I started going to the support group via Share of Lancaster. I never realized what a community there is out there for bereaved parents, it is comforting and amazing! I have focused a lot of my time on reading different stories and articles about grief and loss, and in a way that has helped me heal. We had our Share burial on January 14, There were so many families there sharing in grief, it was absolutely heartbreaking!

However, I am glad there is place we can go to honor Jaxen and remember him. They devote so much time to remembering our angel babies. I think about him and miss him every second of every day. I have been reading a lot of quotes on faith and hope. Those are two things I lost that day, but I am trying to get them back. Do I have the strength to give this another try someday? I believe we will try again someday for another child, but never to replace Jaxen. When something like this happens, you change and your life changes.

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